That’s the thing though. If you died, there’d be no waking up next morning, no entity expressing in some ethereal definitely not human language, “Oh hey, you died last night.”

It’s like that scene towards the end of Bojack Horseman, where he’s hallucinating a grand finale as his brain starts to die as he slowly drowns to death. He sees the ghost of his best friend being slowly consumed by a black oil like liquid coming from a door that is just filled with shadow, nothingness.

As the liquid consumes his friend, Bojack resigns himself to his fate, accepting his death and says, “Well…I’ll see you on the other side.” To which his friend responds somberly as his face begins to be enveloped by the oozing black liquid, “Oh Bojack, no…there is no other side…this is it.”

The aforementioned scene

The remaining sequence shows that Bojack truly is afraid of the possibility of nonbeing, of there being no life or experiences after death. As he runs away from the oozing black liquid. He runs through scenes of his memories as they are consumed by the liquid…until eventually…he’s just…gone.

There’s more to the scene than that, but the apathy one can have towards their own death is imho just another way your brain copes with it. You imagine it being like sleep, or a dream, or waking up to some new reality, when in fact your brain can’t fathom what it’s like to die because it can’t fathom not existing. Not really.

I mean, is there endless shadow or endless light after death? Are not shadow and light interpretations of the experience of physical phenomenon? What makes you think that those phenomenon exists after death and even if they do, what makes you think it is perceivable in a similar fashion. Is there even a you to perceive it?

I often find myself comforting myself at the thought of my own demise in a similar manner to what you describe, but ultimately I know I’m going to be scared to die when it actually is staring me in the face. It’s natural to fear the absolutely completely unknown.

I try and tell myself I’ll be otherwise. That death is possibly an exciting new adventure. But actually, my biggest fear is that we all died a long time ago and just aren’t aware of it, and that the only thing that is eternal is our own bearing witness to a never ending decay of our sense of self, and a never ending decent into madness.

Anywho, enjoy your supposed ambivalence towards your own demise.