Hey comrades, I hope this doesn’t break the rules but I needed someplace to rant to sane people. I know how well threads like this go over on R*ddit. Due to some hefty psychological abuse during my childhood, I suffer from bad social anxiety. Until very recently I couldn’t even talk to strangers via phone, Discord, or Email.
It took me so long to realize that I needed help and even longer to gather the strength to seek it that I am 25 now and only started getting better slowly. I just feel like it took me too long and now recovering is meaningless. I never went to any parties or clubs because I couldn’t and I also didn’t have romantic connections.
The thought of asking someone out terrifies me. I am completely clueless in dating matters and overcoming this seems like an impossible roadblock. It feels like I am already too old to have no clue about relationships and I will be definitely too old once I get over my fear of approaching someone. I don’t want to be alone forever. I don’t want to become some weird incel creep but I also feel like I already crossed the point of no return. And yet I feel silly for worrying about this. I know a lot of you have far greater problems in life. Me complaining about having social anxiety and being single just shows how good my life is if this is truly my biggest problem but I still can’t shake it.
Sorry that this rant is so uncoherent and leading to nothing I just had to get this out in an environment that is actually supporting and understanding.
Edit: thanks everyone for the kind words. I was shedding some tears while going through your replies. I was that deeply touched. I count myself once again lucky to belong to such a kind and caring community (can’t believe libs call US red red fascists) and I now feel much better about myself. I feared I was alone in my fight, and even though I haven’t met a single one of you in real life, I now know I am not. I will get around to answering everyone of you but it might take me a day or two.
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Comrade, I always see you in threads like this and you always have the best takes. You put things into words way better than I ever could. Lots of food for thought. Just wanted to say that. Stay cool, space cowboy! lol
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Your story is really interesting to me. It sort of sounds like you were primed to become a monster, but then you just… Didn’t. Do you know what stopped you? Did it come from inside you, or was it external? Both? Maybe that’s impossible to answer. And none of my business. But I am curious.
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I came from a family of military men. My father was army. His older brother guarded nuclear test sites and witnesses several detonations with his own eyes. I had a grand-uncle who died at Pearl Harbor. I fully get what you mean by the militaty culture. I was well on track to join the military. My ASVAB score had the recruiters fighting to make me their officer.
Then I met a man who served two volunteer tours in Vietnam. One of those guys who figured out how to fly copters in war the hard way. Just before graduating highschool he sat me down and chatted about my military goals. I will never forget this moment for as long as I live, but at one point he got dead serious. Looked me square in the eyes and went full Colonel mode. "You need to understand one thing I had to learn the hard way. If you persue hhis life you want in the military, have absolutely zero doubt that you will be a trained killer whose sole function is to kill whoever you are told to. If you can square that with your conscience, then you have my blessing. If not, then I suggest you do something else. "
His words hit deep. I never joined up and I’m glad for it
Comrade, you’re not ranting to a sane person here.
I have social phobia and agoraphobia. I’m an adult and I feel ashamed of the things I struggle with. But after starting recovery I can take the bus, I can walk my dog and I can communicate with people without having a panic attack.
I’m not close to a point where I can have a romantic relationship but recovery has made me feel like myself. I feel that I can choose what I want. I enjoy the changes I’ve had and I’m more comfortable living my life.
I don’t know what I’m trying to say either. I don’t want to inspire you, I want to tell you what recovery is like and that I’m glad I started it.
That last line goes hard: “I don’t want to inspire you, I want to tell you what recovery is like and that I’m glad I started it.”
You are definitely saner than you think. Realising that capitalism is a cancer and seeing through the lies and deceptions of anti communism is something that no insane person would do.
I am glad you got better and I am sure both of us can make it and be healthy one day.
I have experienced social anxiety and other types of anxiety. It is not too late to recover. And rant all you want. There are people who understand and can relate. Your post may even help someone else feel less alone.
I know this sounds strange, because it would be a lot better if no one had anxiety issues to begin with but I am glad knowing that there are other people who have my problems who have recovered. It gives me hope that I will do the same.
I read your edit on your original post. Reaching out truly is the most helpful thing for us, I think. I’m so happy you found the responses helpful.
click
Definitely not too late. I also have social anxiety, especially with strangers, and I only recently became active online (just Lemmygrad at the moment). I think it’s been helpful to talk to people here, even if the conversations are very short, especially since I’ve become alienated from the few people I actually used to talk to since I learned about imperialism and lies about AES countries.
You’re also not at all silly for complaining about this. I think this is a good place for ranting and discussing this kind of thing.
The other comments are much better but I’ve already written this, so here ya go. Judging by your username, I assume you like cats, so here’s a virtual hug in image form from a fellow enjoyer of animals
Thank you. I would send a virtual hug back but there seems to be no other picture on the internet of a cat and a capybara cuddling. If you need someone new to talk to send me message. I think it’s helpful for both of us if we try talking to strangers 😄
:)
I’m actually active within the mental health sector so I can help with this:
It’s never too late to get help. Sure it’s better to get help as early as possible but there is no time limit for it really. Like you said, you’ve slowly improved lately, which is great. Take all the time you need for that. Every small step forward is good. And don’t worry about the occasional step back, it happens. There will be good days, bad days and probably a lot of neutral days.
Also, don’t downplay your problems. Your problems are still very real and just because there are people that have it worse doesn’t mean you can’t take time for yourself.
Step by step take yourself forward. You don’t have to do everything all at once. Go to your therapy if you have any, go find things you like, go make plans for your future. You will make it comrade
Thank you. I will start therapy in September and since getting a therapy slot I did a lot of reading. This already helped a little bit. I can at least communicate electronically now. I would still be grateful for further help. Got any advice or books that might help?
First of all, good for you for getting a therapy slot. Good luck with your journey forward.
The first thing I want to express to people coming to therapy is that they can always be honest about everything. There’s no need to show a polished version of yourself to your therapist. 1) they won’t think you’re weird, 2) they’ve probably already heard all kinds of things before and 3) you have to be honest to help yourself. Don’t be afraid to cry, show emotions, have fun etc. It’s all part of therapy.
Also, keep going to therapy. You’ll sometimes feel tired or anxious or whatever and might not want to go, but it’s important you still do. Even if you don’t have much to talk about, you might actually be surprised when you’re there.
Actually do your ‘homework’, if given. Talking about your stuff is one thing, but there will also be tasks you need to do outside of therapy. Reflection, small assignments, setting goals etc. is also part of your therapy, even if it’s not at your therapy sessions itself.
My last important advice is a bit more difficult, but if possible should be followed I think. In therapy you need to be comfortable with your therapist. With comfortable I mean that you feel safe and feel that you can discuss everything with them. You’re probably not always going to like what they say or what patterns these person see in your stories, or you’ll feel challanged when they discuss certain things. That’s normal. But at the base of it you should feel comfortable and safe with this person to discuss your things. If not, try to find a new therapist, it’s okay to try out multiple ones. Don’t worry about it though, most therapists will probably be fine for this.
For books I will look when I’m at home. If I understand correctly you struggle with social phobia, right? I’m going to check what I can find.
Take care comrade
Edit about the book part: I thought you replied to another comment of mine lol, but the question still stands
Thank you for the advice I will follow it. Regarding the books I am not 100% sure what it is. When I introduced myself and problems to my therapist she listed some issues I might have but she wasn’t sure herself yet. Would it help you if I describe my panic attacks and when they appear?
It’s natural that you feel like you missed out. You did. You should mourn that as much as you need to. Being robbed of life experiences due to mental health issues is heartbreaking. Believe me, I know. That shit isn’t easy. It’s okay to be sad about that.
The thought of asking someone out terrifies me. I am completely clueless in dating matters and overcoming this seems like an impossible roadblock.
Well, yeah, you have social anxiety! Asking someone out is scary for pretty much everyone, put social anxiety on top of that and… I mean if I had even TRIED to ask someone out when I had social anxiety I’m pretty sure I would have had insta-died. I get that you want to date and that’s a fine goal to have, but you need to aim a little lower to start with. Something that makes you a bit nervous but not so much that it totally freaks you out. You do that over and over until eventually it doesn’t make you nervous at all, and you tackle the next thing. Then the next, until finally asking someone out suddenly doesn’t seem like the insurmountable obstacle it once was.
I don’t want to become some weird incel creep
What makes incels creepy isn’t the fact that they haven’t had sex or that they’re shut-ins. It’s the fact that they’re entitled, misogynistic nazi rapists. You’re fine. There’s nothing wrong with being shy, or anxious, or a virgin, and anyone who disagrees with that isn’t worth the time anyway. God I sound like an after-school special… But it’s true!
Just try to be patient with yourself, comrade. Recovery takes some time and effort. Just be proud that you’ve started. Not everyone gets to that point, you know? Some go their entire lives without seeking help or even admitting to themselves that something is wrong. 25 is young. You’re 25 and you already know what abuse is like, what social anxiety is like, and what seeking helping and slowly starting to recover is like. As much as it sucks to have to learn those things, that’s the sort of experiences that breed wisdom. I’ve never become wiser after going out to a club lmao. Just saying.
Thank you. You are right, nothing worth it was achieved in a single day. I will get better even if it takes a while.
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That’s an interesting exercise, Im definitely gonna try that too. Good luck to you comrade and take care of yourself
Thank you for the advice. I will try this exercise next time.
Damn this was hard to read 'cause it hits very close to home. Got beat as a kid by my parents and had to basically learn how to rely only on myself. This obviously fucks up all my relationships now in life.
I know this gets said so much it slowly loses it’s meaning but; It’s never too late to recover/get better/learn something new. And It gets better. Slowly. But it really does get better. I still beat myself up for what afterwards or viewed by someone else would seem silly.
But everyday, every week every month, I get better at spotting it and stop myself from talking myself down. I was even able to make an important call for my “college” application a few days ago!
Goddammit I always wish to give people more support in these times and say something profound. I feel like a coward for not organising already. For not destroying this worthless system that is trapping everyone I love and care about. Didn’t meet my own standards again. But I won’t let it get to me. This isn’t a showing of me being an ultimate failure. But I am also not a main character in a novel or video game who does epic stuff on their own. I am slowly getting better. Wiser. Smarter. Stronger.
And as much as I am not a failure for being as fit as some people, or as smart as some people, or as determined or as enduring or whatever have you, I know you are not a failure too.
We cannot and should not do everything ourselves. We need other people to cover for our shortcomings and to help us see things from different perspectives.
We will band together and be more than the sum of our parts. And we will win.
Also been to a party a few years back, don’t worry you haven’t missed anything. They mostly suck.
I will add that part of my recovery process has been to realize that there are social situations that I’m not interested in. I will never be a person with 100 friends and I don’t want to be that. I just want to be at peace with myself and do my shit.
My mom has spent over two decades trying to tell me that everybody doesn’t need to be my friend and that’s okay. It’s finally sinking in a little.
I wasted so much life masking and feeling like an weirdo outsider. Learning that I don’t have to do that anymore has helped me tremendously. If I wanted to form a new friendship I won’t have to waste my energy putting on an act and can focus on forming something meaningful.
YES!!! We fill in each other’s gaps!!!
You are being terribly hard on yourself but I also relate to feeling like I should be living a whole ass movie and personally single handedly [REDACTED] oil executives while feeling like I do nothing even when I literally am doing shit.
Proud of you for all your improvements, growing better than yesterday is all any of us can do and honestly all anybody ever really does.
And yeah most parties suck major ass. The Party FOMO Industrial Complex is real though.
Whenever I read something with “… Industrial Complex” at the end I have to read it with David Hayter’s voice. Imagining Snake ranting about Party FOMO is hilarious. Thank you for the smile.
YES! We will both make it. Thank you for the uplifting words and I am terribly sorry what happened to you.
I was homeschooled as a kid and totally isolated until I was 13 when my mom put me in a public school. I remember that first year as the absolute cringiest year of my life by a country mile.
The social stuff does come to you, if you pay attention and try not to get too into your own head and start analyzing how many seconds between sentences you’re taking. Just say what you feel, and your own natural embarrassment will tell you what kind of behaviors to avoid. Learning social rules and such is usually an awkward stage most people get out of the way early on, but you can absolutely cross it in your mid-20s. You’ll just be more aware.
Thank you. I will give my best.
Comrade, I hope you read this until you understand it with your heart:
The feeling that it is too late for you is part of your mental health journey. It’s not true, it’s a false belief, just like many other false beliefs you have encountered and overcome on your journey.
You will overcome this false belief, too. It is but one more leg of your climb up the mountain. Don’t stop except to rest, to heal, to wait for your friends to catch up, and then keep on climbing.
You got this. We all believe in you. We know it’s not too late for you. We’re taking a break along the trail on our own climbs and hoping we see you coming around the bend.
See you at the top.
Thank you. I made your answer my mobile backround so “I can read it until I understand it with my heart”.
I don’t want to retread the same territory that others have. I just hope you are okay and as someone who’s a similar age its not too late!
Don’t compare your problems to others either, they are your problems and they affect you. It’s important to air out the negativity but don’t drown in it.
I know you will be able to bounce back Comrade, you’ve got everyone here to offer advice and support.
🫂
Hope you are okay!!
but why the downvote, though
I don’t know 😔 I really wish people would just tell me what they disagreed with in my comments.
I’m obviously not perfect (joke I’m literally the archetype of god) but I try so hard I’d rather know what I fucked up on.
I want to learn and be better but without context I’m just left to look at this and wonder what I did wrong.
I’m sorry, for some reason I tapped it by accident when I was scrolling through the thread. I just realized when I came back. I didn’t mean to offend you. I have dyskinesia and this happens to me sometimes. I also turn my phone to greyscale for sensory reasons and there was no way to tell I had done it.
More evidence that ASPDs are sadistic twisted cycle paths. /s
In the future assume it was me and my tremors, you can even DM me if you think it happened again o7
Edit: @devs petition to make the voting function readable without color, like a square around the selected arrow
It’s okay you don’t have to apologise or anything but thank you for the clarity.
I shouldn’t be over thinking things lol
I’m apologizing because I feel awkward when I make someone feel bad. It’s tricky for me to tell how “wrong” it was cause of my empathy problems so I just apologize. You’re not the only one who over thinks things, I feel like if I misstep other people will think I’m a sociopath with no feelings lol
Lol I get ya 😊
Me down voting an inoffensive comment by accident like:
Oh, sorry for calling you out :|
I was just being the Joker and you called me out. Unforgivable/s
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There was so many good comments in here, I didn’t want to wade in with another long comment repeating others good points but I know how much some solidarity (regardless of how long or short the comment is) can mean. At least I like that.
I guess I shouldn’t assume that everyone wants to hear from me even if I comment in solidarity?
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I appreciate the support, I do take it negatively but that’s my own issue I need to address.
See now I’m panicking I’m turning someone’s else’s mental health thread into mine lol.
Awwwh thank you Comrade, I’m a consumate idiot but I try 😌
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Thank you that is very kind.
Not at all, just look after yourself and remember it’s never too late 🫂
You’re not alone comrade. I too suffer from some social anxieties. Then I kept waiting to be “financially stable” as they say before buying a house and then looking into dating. I figured if I was at least on my own and stable I would have that going for me. First is was “ok I’m out of college let’s get a good job. Once I’m there for a bit it’s house time.” Then it turned into “ok let’s find a stable job” cause all I had were contract jobs. Then job after job either wasn’t stable or I hated it and didn’t want to stay long term due to off shifts or location.
Then I got a good one and though "wow can I finally look into moving out and getting my own place? Then COVID happened and the market for housing went to fuck all shit and it’s been shit ever since. Now I’m basically stuck at home and I’m at an age where it’s gotten uncomfortable to tell new people I still live with parents. Even if it’s a fairly respectful relationship. I don’t rely on them for anything in my life but it just feels too awkward to think about dating. So now I’m stuck here, basically hoping for full societal collapse because at least it might change something in the rut I’ve been stuck in.
Despite all this I’m loads better mentally now than some years ago. At one point I thought I had a decent job for a few years but the shift and the stress started to build and at one point as I was making yet another hour long 12am drive home I thought I might should call a buddy hand off my rifle off to him cause the thoughts I was having about myself at the time weren’t good. Luckily it wasn’t necessary. I started meditation and started reading daily Tao passages which got me more interested in Chinese culture. I was a baby leftist back then and supported communism but also was still pretty brainwashed with the anti China Kool aid. Also I did a good amount of mushrooms (lol). All these things really changed my outlook. While I’m still lonely and not sure what I can/want to do I’m less worried about it.
There are a lot of people who live with their parents. You’ll probably be able to find someone who that isn’t a deal breaker for.
I recently moved back in with my mother after living on my own for a few years. I kind of know how you feel. But as @bobs_guns@lemmygrad.ml said there are people out there who won’t have a problem with your situation. Someone who is so shallow that they can’t accept your circumstances won’t be a good partner anyway.
I can relate. I spent a good deal of my childhood growing up in a toxic environment and ended up struggling with social anxiety and self esteem issues into my mid 20s. As a grown adult I would require 30 minutes of existential crisis to work up the courage to text my dentist for an appointment. Progress is slow and it can be really hard at times, but it’s absolutely worth it and you have more than enough of your life ahead of you to recover, grow and feel fulfilled. I still have my bad days, but I’ve also experienced social moments that felt genuinely life affirming.
And remember you are absolutely not silly for worrying about and struggling with this. Your problems are 100% valid and important and you should not feel ashamed and kick yourself down. You are not alone and we can all make it.
I feel you. I can still remember how long it took me once to call a barber to make an appointment. I later decided to let me hair grow out just so I don’t have to make appointments any more.
It’s okay. Social anxiety can be so so isolating. I feel you. I’ve been there. I promise. I’d get panic attacks and I thought I was dying. All I can say is that you can change and it’s not too late. Why do you think it’s too late? 25 is still young. I’m nearly 30 these days, but ten years ago, I was in the same place as you are. Now I have a wonderful gf and I can talk to anybody. It’s not always easy and I still have anxiety about many things, but anxiety won’t stop me anymore. My gf has social anxiety too, but I help her since I’ve been through that.
It will be a lot of hard work to change but realize that you deserve real, good friends, you deserve love and respect. But that’s something you have to learn to accept for yourself. Now, don’t get that confused with that people have an obligation to give you friendship and love, but you deserve it from your friends and lovers.
As far as parties and stuff, you can always go to parties. Humans love parties. Don’t get that fomo. Be patient.
With dating; it’s a game or a dance. Don’t take it seriously if you lose or mess up a lot at first. Learn the rules and the moves and you can win the game. Let me know if you have any questions. I’m here to help, comrade :)
Thank you. I might come back to your offer.
I’ll be happy to answer as best as I can.
spoiler
No need to self deprecate, socializing is an integral part of human life and we humans suffer greatly without adequate socialization or without the opportunity to have intimate relationships, that’s just scientific fact.
As a fellow 25 year old I will say no, it’s not too late, and there absolutely is a point to continuing your growth. You must remember that we are showered with images of 20somethings who all look like they’ve leveled up and got their shit super together and are living a dream but it’s all smoke and mirrors people use to try and sell confidence in themselves as a brand in this late stage capitalist hellscape. The few who aren’t faking it are anomalies, not the average. Many people don’t start learning who they are and getting their life together until their 30s, and while I might have A B and C together you have X Y and Z together; we all develop the different facets of our life at different rates. I mean hey, I just lost my girlfriend of 6 years and with it my opportunity for the career I wanted, my home, the backbone of my life and everything else I built on its foundation. I might not have the levels of social anxiety that you have but I also feel knocked down into the dirt and, looking around at my peers, feeling like I’m being left behind as everyone levels up faster than I can hope to catch up, I’m honestly genuinely worried I might be homeless or locked up within the next 5 years if I don’t get my shit together from scratch all over again.
But it’s really not that bleak. We humans are hardwired to adapt to our new needs and circumstances. You might feel like you’ll never be able to break the barrier and have a partner or friends but you will, and you likely will faster than you dread it will take. You will fail dozens of times in between then and now but you will continue to learn, continue to feel hopeless. But if you push through this despair you will wake up one day and realize it was all just a bullshit illusion. You will fail but you will improve…you just have to keep trying. I know that sounds cliché but it’s the realest shit I’ve ever accepted and it has delivered me from the precipice of destruction more times than I can count.
I used to have depression that kept getting worse and worse and I was SURE I was eventually going to drown, to kill myself or some other equivalent level of self-destruction. I kept going through the motions to fight it…worked on my trauma, worked on my relationships, worked on my behavior and thought patterns, made sure I exercised and ate right, made sure I did productive and enriching things in my spare time. It did nothing for me…until it finally did. It’s like my neurons in my brain just finally said “ah, okay, I see you, got it” and decided to match me. I’m not saying I live on a cloud of sunshine and rainbows everyday and obviously with my aforementioned terrible breakup I’m not exactly at my 100% but I can also say that some demons that had haunted me since my early adolescence were vanquished…or at least vanquished enough that I can function MUCH better now that I would have without trying for so long with seemingly no fruits of my labor.
That’s the thing really…just keep trying even when it seems fruitless. It’s not fruitless, it just LOOKS fruitless today, but these things tally up in the background, sometimes taking months or years or many many years before they finally culminate in something. And then you wake up one day and you’re like, “Oh shit, all that effort was actually worth something. Huh.”
If you want to practice talking to people I would be super down to talk, I’m definitely a weirdo but I like talking to all sorts of people, there’s no judgement as believe me I have been an double mega ultra cringelord most of my life trying to talk to people (I moved constantly as a kid and was a loner and never learned how to socialize properly until post high school). Lemmygrad is a pain in the ass to message back and forth on (doesn’t help I still have almost 200 unanswered notifications clogging up my shit) but I could message you here or anywhere else, whichever is preferable to you.
If not no worries either! No pressure!
You got this, you just have to keep at it.
lol I am also 25. What is going on here lol.
But I guess: EARLY-MIDLIFE CRISIS GANG UNITE!!! edit: also nicely written text, I salute you comrade
We are a batch of experimental antifa clones strategically placed around the globe to advance the China Joe 5G Communist Plot by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. We will be ripe for sacrifice when the stars align properly.
CRISIS GANG!! 🥳🥳🥳
And thank you blessed habbibi, salutes to you as well o7
