I am St. John the Bikist in the Church of Bikes.

In the Church of Bikes, we see bikes as holy and divine. Some members believe that the bike is the body of God on earth.

To join the Church of Bikes, you must ride a bike while shouting “I hate cars!”

Becoming a saint requires living a holy life, which means:

• Never entering or buying any car

• Always showing reverence for bikes (includes genuflecting whenever possible)

• Exorcizing any carbrains (demons) that have possessed your children

Additionally, you can do our bike pilgrimage by choosing 100 different brands of bike, and riding at least 2 kilometers on each one.

It’s been said by the Church that bike thieves’ souls are blackened beyond redemption.