And you’re not allowed to walk away?

I used to only date some pretty aggressive women. I’ve been working on fixing myself for a few years now, before I get back into the dating scene.

Any relationship where you are ‘not allowed’ to walk away is not a healthy relationship, and you should either seek out a qualified couples’ therapist or ‘allow’ yourself to leave the relationship.

@Slatlun
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You’re always allowed to walk away. Leaving will have consequences and so will staying. You’re making a decision either way.

mekhos
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Healthy communication does not work like this. So ask yourself honestly what’s the source of the distress?

There will be a calm time in a few hours or days, when you can bring this event up again and gently describe how it feels to be “trapped” and yelled at - if it immediately escilates again (and you honestly are not activating things) you may be dealing with a narcissistic person, you should research it…

Salamander
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I think I have only experience being yelled at by my parents and my grandma. Mostly as a kid, and not many times. My response is always to make a deer-in-headlights face and stare until I have the chance to speak, then I make a conscious effort to reply as calmly as possible something along the lines of “Ok, I understand what you are saying, but I don’t understand why it is necessary to say it so loudly”, and then they always lower their voice.

I think that if someone would continue yelling at me I would make an effort to hear what they say and then answer to them as if we were having a normal conversation. I would keep reminding them that they don’t need to hurt their vocal chords to have this conversation, but also reassure them that I understand that they are emotional and that I am not judging them. If they are rambling angrily, the conversation is not moving forward, and I am not amused, I would say that I don’t see this conversation progressing and go do something else, we can try again later. I might also suggest writing to each other instead of speaking.

If they are physically preventing me from walking away, then I would make my best effort to escape or call the police. But I assume that you did not mean that literally.

@QueenLilac
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Salamander
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Hah, I can definitely see how it may come off as that. When I respond, I am genuinely trying to make peace, not trying to ‘win’, so I hope I don’t come out as a smart-ass. I also have not had many experiences of people yelling at me.

Last specific case I can remember, we were in a hotel and my father asked me if I could go to the lobby to ask for something. I asked “What’s the lobby’s number, I can call them”. My father got mad and yelled that he has been trying to call the lobby for 30 minutes and they are not answering, and that if I am too lazy to walk to the lobby he can go there himself. To that I answered that I can see why he might be frustrated, but I did not notice that he was calling the lobby, and that it was enough to let me know that he had already called without needing to yell. He then felt bad for yelling.

If someone is yelled at because of a more justified reason - like if they crashed a car while driving drunk - well then I don’t think that good communication is the way to diffuse that one. I’d say taking the yelling, accepting the responsibility and consequences one’s actions, and making the commitment to change, is the way forward.

Depends on what for, there’s no single route on what to do when someone screams at you.

@seahorse
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“no u”

@a_Ha
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if she is a psycho, then you are screwed.
Otherwise, you may try sending a subtle message by putting ear plugs on 😆
… joke aside i feel your pain.

developing and respecting your own clear boundaries is hard, but good for you and also sexy

@greensand
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Depending on the type of person, it might work to simply walk out the door until the storm has calmed. Then proceed with cool rationality.

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